fear

Today is Mother's Day and it also marks 7 weeks since Gracelyn has been home. 8 weeks and 3 days since she was taken to Children's Hospital.
That morning that Gracie was taken to the hospital was the absolute most terrifying day for me. As I drove to the city with my limp, non-responsive baby girl, I honestly didn't know if I would be coming back home with her. With 3 kids already and never having experienced anything like that I was scared. a fear that I cannot begin to describe and still, in part, feel today.
Since that day, Thursday March 11 (I will never forget that day) I have been scared. Scared of the unknown. It's all been unknowns, from what was wrong with her, to what caused it, to treating her, to the success of the medicine, to the length of her recovery and what comes along with it.
At the hospital she had many doctors, but only her first doctor for the first 4 days, Dr. Mo, was the only one to ever treat botulism before. Regardless, I still felt it best and safe for her to be there.
As we drove away, an hour away, 11 days later, I bawled. for so many reasons. On one hand I was truly, extremely happy to be taking my baby girl home. That she was able to go home. But then we were driving away from the safety net. We didn't even know what caused her to be so sick in the first place and if she started having any difficulty, we were an hour away. I also couldn't get the image of her lifeless body, arms falling as I removed them from the sleeves of her gown on the morning of the 11th out of my head. I still cannot.
Gracelyn has most definitely made progress, amazing steps that the doctors are baffled by. She has accomplished a lot in the last 7 weeks, more than what I ever thought she would by this time. She is behind developmentally, of course, I realized this and I know with 3 older brothers that she should have no problem making up for lost time when she is stronger. It's in the back of my head though.
I worry constantly about everything, all day long, since this all started a little over 8 weeks ago. From Gracelyn's well being, to the boys' (considering Blaine still asks randomly if Gracie is going back to the hospital,) to every day occurrences like meals and laundry and the house and bills, the list goes on and on.
I pray a lot. a lot. I know this is something that only God can help me with. It's because of Him that Gracelyn has made the recovery so far that she has. I fear coming across selfish because it may seem like I'm bitter that she was sick or want her to be where other infants her ago are. I'm not and I don't expect her to be with all that her little body has been through. I know that God has a purpose for us all and even little Gracie and myself. Patience has never been a trait that I possess and through this God has most definitely taught me that, as well as a true love for others that I never had before. And those are just the 2 most obvious!
Just like my first Mother's Day 8 years ago and every one in between has been special, I feel this one especially is. I am holding Gracelyn and my boys closer, just as I have been for the last couple of months.