confession

I have been working on Gracelyn's scrapbook this week. actually I started it this week. My mother-in-law gave me G's bubblegum pink book and designed the first page (her birth) as well the title page (of a newborn pic of my Gracie and hot pink daisy and a rhinestone "G" adorning it! I love it!!) So the rest of it is in my hands.
I hadn't really given thought beforehand to the difficulty of going back through some of the pictures. The other night, I smiled and cooed, oohed and aahed and laughed and cried happy tears when going from newborn to almost 5 months pictures of my beautiful precious baby. I got to a picture I took on March 9 of sweet G looking droopy eyed and I just lost it. I bawled, bawled like I haven't in a very long time. I immediately remembered my effort that I put forth that day to get her to smile, which I had no success. She wasn't eating and just wasn't herself, yet I let it go and didn't do anything that day. Through the tears from the last picture I got to a picture I took the next day, same effort and same result, no smile, actually a really sad looking G, with red eyes and a pitiful cry. Again, I did nothing. If you have read my blog then you probably know the rest of her miraculous story
Quite simply Gracelyn has taught me so so much. She has overcame so much and has done almost all of it with a smile, actually a huge open mouth grin, a gorgeous grin that is a Gracelyn original.
Yet, I struggle so much still. I have only expressed personally to about a handful of people how I battle with fear and anxiety, sadness and the memories of my daughter so sick. Others I am sure think I am completely insane. Gracelyn and I are a package deal. constantly. all the time. And if I am away from her for a few hours I feel extremely guilty. extremely. a pit in my stomach. The mothers in my infant botulism support group told me soon after Gracelyn was discharged that she would recover much faster than me. When I first read it, I didn't get it. But once I saw Gracelyn improving and I was still struggling so, I knew exactly what they were talking about.
I don't enjoy these feelings, who would? I know that I must give it all to God. A good friend told me recently and it hit me hard. I mean HARD... "My ability to handle life's storms rests upon my ability to give them to God!"I needed to be told that.
I struggle with that.
I pray that scrapbooking her incredible, miraculous journey that I may be healed somehow. To be so consumed with so much heaviness is draining and it takes part of me away from my 4 awesome children and incredible husband. I would love to be able to leave her with my amazing friend Amy who offers daily to watch her, even for a few minutes starting off. I know it will happen one of these days, and so does she.
As a side-note: the songs on my playlist to the right relate to my current feelings. I hope to change to happier, more upbeat songs sooner rather than later.